Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I'm Not Judging...But I Am

In general, I consider myself to be a nice person. I do my best to be courteous to others, and reach out a helping hand to those who need it. I consider it my duty as a parent to teach my children to use manners, and basically make the world a little brighter because we're in it.

Something that I try really, really, hard not to do is judge other people, especially other parents. I know everyone struggles to get through sometimes, parenting isn't easy, I'm not perfect myself etc. etc. I love children (particularly my own) but I realize that they can be unreasonable and demanding beings. Raising kids can put you in the middle of situations that the parenting manuals just don't warn you about. My own children have provided my hubby and I with our fair share of embarrassing moments. Often a fellow parent needs a lifeline rather than an opinion. I get all of that.

Sometimes though, I just can't help myself...I judge. In my years as a mom, I've encountered situations that honestly make me shake my head and think, I would never do that! Barring a complete mental lapse, I never will.

Perhaps it might be helpful if I describe some situations that cause me to narrow my eyes and think mean thoughts about other parents. I know I'm not the only one who does.

-If you're sitting in a restaurant, church, the movies, or anyplace where quiet is expected and your child starts screaming for longer than a couple of minutes, and you do nothing...I judge. Every parent in the world has been through the baby/toddler/temper tantrum in public phase. Those of us who are considerate of our fellow man will take the screaming child out to calm them, instead of inflicting their antics on others. Is it fun for the parent? No, but it's a passing phase if you take the time to teach your little darling that they're not the center of the universe and that if they want to be allowed out of the house they need to behave.

-If my twelve year old invites your twelve year old over for a swim and you take the liberty of sending your seven and nine year old over too, even though they weren't invited and I've never met you... I judge. I get it, you want a break because your kids are annoying hooligans who chase cats, throw toys all over and act way younger than their ages. It can't be fun to live with them, but guess what? I have better things to do with my time than to provide free child care for you.

-If I tell the above children that it's not a good time for us, and they start whining, It's not fair! Our parents said to come over till 6:30....I judge.

-If your child does come over to my house and proceeds to nag my kid for snacks and then throws the wrappers on the floor...I judge. I realize that this situation is out of your control, but teach some manners already!

-If you take your child to the library, a place that was traditionally a sanctuary of silence, and proceed to allow the child to loudly play while you are loudly chatting yourself...I judge. I get it that standards in the children's section have slipped relaxed a bit in recent years. It's still not a playground. Some people actually go there to research and read. It's not that hard to teach a toddler a library voice.

-If you take your child to a party, knowing that they are sick and contagious...I judge. Yes, it's hard to disappoint your child if they've been looking forward to the cake and balloons, but hey that's life. There will be other parties. Of course your kid might not be invited to them if it becomes known that you're a family of germ spreaders. Just saying.

I've now been a parent for almost thirteen years, and have experienced these situations more times than I care to recall. I could make my list longer, but then I might start to sound like a whiny parent and be forced to judge myself. What about you? What makes you completely lose sympathy and judge other parents?

linking to:  Pour Your Heart Out

30 comments:

  1. I agree on every single point you have made!

    I have issues with parents that teach their children to be "sexy." My sons leave the area when little girls start dancing as if trying out for the profession of exotic dancers (or even professional cheerleaders). And if someones son slaps me on the rear end and says something he should not (yes, this did happen to me once), I don't take kindly to that either. They are CHILDREN, why are we teaching them to be slimy, slutty adults in tiny bodies? Are we trying to push the young generations into early STD nightmares or pawn them off on child predators? It makes no sense to me at all.

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    1. Oh I can't stand to see kids acting and dressing way too mature for their ages. So many kids are just being robbed of their childhoods, there's so much time later to worry about dating and all that entails. Wow! How did you handle that boy?

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  2. I get frustrated when I see parents trying to be a friend to their children. They need you to be a parent, not a friend.

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    1. I completely agree. I treasure the relationship that I have with each of my children, and we usually enjoy spending time together. At the end of the day though, my husband and I are their parents not their buddies and as such we hold positions of authority in their lives.

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  3. Thank you for writing this! I judge too!

    I once had a regular child care gig in our home and my youngest caught pneumonia. I phoned the other mother to let her know and she said "Oh, I guess I should have told you last week that my boys had it, huh? I just gave them their meds and figured it'd be fine". Suffice to say that was the last day I offered her any sort of child care.

    Another pet peeve is people who bring their babies to the theatre. If I can't hear (as happened last week) the Gilbert & Sullivan performance that I paid some big money to attend, over your screaming hungry baby, I tend to become irate. STAY HOME until they are old enough (over 5 or 6, say) or get a babysitter.

    Ahhhh...that felt good. :)

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    1. Wow, the nerve of that mother! I just don't understand people who carelessly expose other children to contagious diseases. I absolutely agree on the theatre issue. My husband and I had to say no to parties and weddings that we would have loved to attend because we couldn't get a sitter.

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  4. I think we all have situations where we judge. I would in all of these situations, too!

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    1. It's so hard not to. Sometimes it seems like other folks aren't even trying!

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  5. I LOVE THIS! I don't know how many "talks" I've had to have with other children at our house explaining that "we don't do that here"!

    Don't even get me started about what happens when the little hooligans get started in church! (Dealing with that fun issue now!)

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    1. I hate having to have those talks with other people's kids. I lecture my kids before they go anywhere about the standard of behaviour we expect them to display. The church issue drives me nuts. I can't count the number of times my husband or I took one or ours out until they quieted down. It was a pain, but now they are all older and perfectly behaved in church.

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  6. We all judge. It is just a matter of how we use those judgments.

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    1. That's true. I think it's different to judge others based on their actions rather than looks or other things beyond their control.

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  7. I feel your pain and respect your honesty. I have had more than my share of issues with this as well, lately..and I am sure, as my daughter starts preschool, I'll see even more. Thanks for making me realize I am not alone :)

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    1. I'm sure you will see more issues of the sort when your daughter starts preschool. I was astonished at the behaviour of some of the other parents when my children were in pre-k.

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  8. Oh, the illness gets me. I can't tell you how many times I've seen our neighbor's kids out playing with our kids only to hear their mother chat about how they were both out of school that day with high fevers,and maybe a hospital visit here and there. We don't hold back, however. When she tells us that, we throw our hands up, call to the kids and say they need to get the hell away from so and so and that they're sick. Sorry, neighbor. I've spent too many nights, because of her sick kids, at the doctor or in the hospital.

    I agree. I don't want to judge, but when you lack common sense, sorry it's inevitable.

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    1. Good for you for not holding back! I need to do that more. Sometimes I'm just so taken aback by a situations that I don't express my disapproval strongly enough.

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  9. OMG, the first situation you mention especially annoys me. I completely understand ignoring meltdowns... when you're home. But I've been in that position with unruly kids in public -- no one's perfect -- but when I'm in public and my kids act up, I'll do my best to deal with that child... or leave.

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    1. Exactly! I think most of us have been in the position of having our kids act up in public, it happens. It's just the parents that just sit there and don't address the situation that drive me nuts!

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  10. I LOVE this!! I have a real problem with parents who are "afraid" to discipline their young children. I am a mother of 6, my oldest being 14, if you don't expect them to obey you when they are 2 or 3, they aren't going to when they're 13, 14, etc. I know they're cute, believe me, I've had to discipline and then walk away and laugh. And the way some of the parents let their kids talk to them. If I had spoken to my dad like I hear some of these kids today talk, I would have lost my teeth. My children won't lose their teeth, but they sure will be in TROUBLE!!!!!

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    1. You're right. If you lose the discipline battle when they're tiny it's all over. They can be funny though, I've had to walk away to laugh myself!

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  11. Oh the sick kids, I could rant forever! My kids have gotten sick so many times from church and playdates. My favorite mom line ever at a playdate?
    "He has a fever, but it's 100 degress out so he's not contagious."
    I didn't know that the weather had anything to do with a kid being contagious. I was so pissed that I left since I was pregnant and I had a 1 year old. Neither of us needed to get sick.

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    1. Wow, it's amazing how ignorant some people can be! I don't blame you for leaving!

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  12. I'm guilty of trying not to judge but I know that they are judging me in some way shape or form so I guess sometimes its okay ;)

    Stopping by from Shell's PYHO :)

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    1. I do try not to, it's just some people make it soooo hard not to. On the other hand, I'm sure some people judge me for things that I do. I guess we all have to live with our choices in the end!

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  13. i agree with all that. plus...i judge when i send my 5 yr old to a friends house for a play date and the parent thinks it's ok to let my daughter, her daughter who is 5 and her 9yr old daughter go for a walk!!without adult supervision

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    1. That would be the last playdate with that family for my child!

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  14. Amen! Funny b/c I've been on "I'm so sick of parents who judge" bent, but more in regards to choices they make in their own home (i.e. TV, feeding, etc.), but not about any of the stuff that would affect me--I would judge away on all these things too! The sending your other kids along for a swim date would really burn me esp.!! Finally, finally passing on the Sunshine Award too--thanks so much! :) http://www.themomoftheyear.net/2012/08/the-sunshine-award.html

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    1. I know there's many different philosophies about raising children, and parents have to make the choices that are best for their families about things like breastfeeding and daycare, etc. I only judge when they don't use common courtesy or teach it too their kids. I can't wait to see your post about the sunshine award!

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  15. OMG, the second one. People do that? Really? They send the other kids along on one kid's playdate without the other parent's consent??? Wow. I'm stunned. My God help the mom who ever tries to pull that on me someday. (My little one is only 17 MO, so I'm taking copious notes right now.) My issues are with "cell phone mom" at the park. Unless she's paying me to babysit, she needs to end her phone call, get her butt over here and make her kids stop throwing sand!!

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    1. Yes, some people really do that! I boggles my mind because I'm careful about details like making sure that I actually know the people at the house where my young kids are playing.

      Oh, cell phone mom is a good one! I've definitely run into her a time or two myself.

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